Hey, it’s me back again.

I almost thought I had lost this blog forever as with each wrong password and “Your email is not registered with us. Try again”, my heart sank deeper and deeper. But thankfully for autofill or something, I managed to find my email address.

Work has been crazy. School has been hectic. Or should it be the other way around?

Either way, I am at the point in my Life where I am genuinely unhappy about my personal state. I do not know if I am truly happy anymore. I am starting to feel the passion leak away. I would like to feel more excitement in my Life.

All the promises I have made to myself are LIES. Where are my holidays? Where are my returns? I just feel that youth, love and happiness are constantly draining out of me. It never used to be so hard.

I miss feeling fit as a rock. or pebble, whatever. I miss my strength and stamina. I miss believing in something and I miss having fun. I also miss my belly piercing. In fact, I remember H was the push factor for me to finally get it done. However, lotsa bad stuff happened and I took it out. Also, it didn’t heal well. Since then, I have probably put on 6kg-8kg. I doubt getting my belly piercing now would be attractive.

I really miss my toned arms and thighs with faint abs. They were the sign of discipline, sweat and hard work. Now my body just shows out of control. I don’t feel good about myself.

And I really wish to have a good guy in my arms. One who is strong, fun and crazy about me. It’s really hard to meet guys as one gets older. Either they’re attached or they aren’t interested? Lol, story of Life.

Well, I really need to focusing more on myself and start taking chances. Meeting people and having fun. To think of it, I haven’t done up my 2012 New Year Resolutions. Will do so it in my next post. 

Dear Me,

I’m feeling so fucked up over my past. It seems like the older I get, the more empty my Life becomes.

When I was younger, I had exciting, lasting and fulfilling relationships. But now I’d rather be single than have to be with somebody for fear of hurting or just putting in the effort to try to get along.

Last year, I had reached the peak of fitness in my Life. I felt energetic and strong. Now, I just feel sad and weak. sad and weak. sad and weak. alone. loser. 

Even my job isn’t going fantastically. I guess im not really much of a fantastic with people sales person. The dream job I want so much might very well turn out to be something that doesn’t even suit me.

Why is it that my Life is going down the drains instead of turning for the better, even after all the healthy decisions that I made… To start taking my career seriously, to stop thinking about love love love and to improve myself in the eyes of society. But why do i still feel so incomplete inside? I thought after going through unemployment, a really bad relationship and picking myself up from a near-death car accident, i would feel better about myself. But it really seems like in the end, im still the same sad and pathetic loser. No bf, no good friends, not successful in my job, no degree and best of all, fat and ugly. old.

i miss alot of things but i dare not speak. i don’t deserve to, becoz i’m just not good enuff.

-Me

I gotta get all the funk out of my system. I hate to be the picture of weakness, but at times, it feels so bad.

Looking at those “trigger points”, I see my past catching up with me faster than a laughing hyena. Yes, I do know cheetahs are the fastest living animals on the planet Earth, but Lion King’s laughing hyena’s chases really got to me okay.

Moving on, I reminisce about so many redundant things. I have got to grow up and accept that the choices I have made so far have brought me a long way. Not all the consequences are a gain, but the majority is. Besides, I just need to manage my time better.

Here’s to having my wishes come true soon. A new sales colleagues and surviving school. Oops, and also training for the 10km run in less than a month. Crossfit, I’ll be back to reclaim you. Wait for me. I’ve just got other priorities at the moment, like work and school.

But health and fitness, I’m reclaiming you starting tomorrow. NOW.

WED, 250511

The only thing that exercised was my jaw and teeth from chewing them processed unhealthy snacks and general overeating.


THUR, 260511

I expect a short run. or anything. 

FRI, 270511

WED, 250511

Vanilla protein shake with fresh milk
Lunch @ Molly Malone:
Pumpkin soup with Garlic bread
Signature Fish & Chips (battered fish, fat fries, baked beans)
Ginger Ale
Blueberry Cheesecake
Iced cafe latte from Spinelli
Steamed fish
Steamed egg with minced pork
Lay’s chicken paprika potato chips (bought from Batam)
2 cans Coconut juice w pulp (current refreshing fav!)

As you and I can obviously see, my current intake these days have been on a high high high, hence, contributing to all the weight gain. Not to mention I’m just back from Batam and the buffet breakfast at the resort was delicious! Also, the BBQ lamb chops from the buffet dinner was delish too! Ahh food, you always put me in such a dilemma. 

THUR, 260511

(insert something healthy)

Surprised I’m back? It was always meant to happen, especially when I am at the edge of losing my sanity and figure to processed foods, emotional instability due to low self-esteem and inability to fit into all my clothes.

Yes, I’m angry.
Yes, I’m upset.
Yes, I’m disappointed.
But what can I do? Stop giving yourself excuses.

A short walk or jog is better than nothing.
Once a week is better than nothing, even if it means giving up the only day in the weekend you actually have to yourself.

I hate the fact my job takes up so much of my time,
but I hate my laziness and poor time management even more.

For eg, today, when I could have gone for a jog, I confess to eating a full dinner and even helping myself to seconds, then sitting in front of the computer to watch shows, which led to a chip binge! Finished a whole packet of chips myself, which I would say were not even appetising.

To be honest, I could complain all about my job till the cows come home, but ultimately, the decision lies with me. I really need more discipline because recently, I had started jogging to train for the 10km fun run. I am so duper “lousy” that I injured my left kneecap after jogging my 1st 1km, hence, I bought a knee guard.

Subsequently, I starting training for 2.5km, ran it 3 times. 1st one took 22mins, 2nd took only 17:40mins amazingly and 3rd one just the day after sadly took 18mins. Even more disappointing is the 4th 2km, which took me forever, because I had grown lazy in between. But this goes to show that I may very well have the potential in me to be a runner if I kick the laziness out of my system!

So going back to the point, the 10km is on 3rd July. I better be wearing my Nike shoes and kneeguard out by then.

MON, 020810

Shoulder press
3x3
50-58-61F (1rep max)

Sled pulls
5 x 50m
1 x 45lb, 2 x 90lb, 1 x 45lb

Sled pulls are so destructive in such a beautiful way.


TUE, 030810

Snatch
1-1-1-1-1
37lbs (practice hang high with PVC)

25, 20, 15, 10, 5 kbs (12kg)
Run 230m + 30 tuckjumps

Time: 15.12

Finally, i’m not the last for the WOD, means my metcon is catching on! woo.. i hope i continue to progress. damned snatches.. i tot i could snatch 50lbs… hmm.. weird.. its okay.. i’d much rather work on technique than worry about weights first. i need to lift my elbows high and outside… HIGH & OUTSIDE before dropping under!!!


WED, 040810

MON, 260710

Deadlifts
85% x 5 x 5
148lb

Thrusters (45lb)
10,9,8,7,…1 
50m bwt sets

Time: 10 mins (DNF, did 3 reps thrusters, remaining run, 2 thrusts, run 1 thrust)

Sighs.. the feeling of DNF really sucks badly.

TUES, 270710

OHS
3-3-3-3-3
50-61-69F (1 rep max)

3 rds
460m
20 jumping pull ups
20 wallballs (5kg)

Time: 15.29

Getting more efficient at wallballs :))) hehehee… seems like secret practice helps.. hahahaa.. I think training the pain receptors and the mind not to quit and push past the ‘pain’ helps..


WED, 280710

Clean & Jerk
85% x 2 x 4
61lbs

12 mins AMRAP
6 seated mu
9 kbs (12kg)
18 tuck jumps

Score: 5 rds + 9 kbs

Nothing to say except where are my fucking double unders?!

THUR, 290710

Rest day / Food poisoning


FRI, 300710

Missed the morning WOD due to food poisoning - vomitted
CFSG gathering at Lunar Bar, got smashed by alcohol - vomitted. again.


SAT, 310710

Rest day - Hangover

WED, 210710

Pear
Lunch with C at Secret Recipe (Dory with mozzarella cheese and tomatoes, tea, salad with 1000 island dressing, walnut brownie)
Fucking sumptuous dinner with J (Drunken prawns, Sesame oil prawns, Salted egg yolk crab, sambal kang kong, coconut)
Sour unbearables gummy
2 cups chocolate milk
Few scoops of Ben & Jerry’s NYCFC ice cream

i know right, still can binge. lols. fucking better move my ass tmr to ease up on the calories. it’s always this bad habit of mine when i have a good time outside and i come home happy but tired but dun wanna slp yet, so i kinda crave sugar to keep myself ‘awake’, which ultimately leads to binging. grrrr! take it as a cheat meal..

THUR, 220710

Pear
3 soft boiled eggs
Pistachio nuts
Panfried salmon with 2 sunny side up eggs
Chocolate milk
Prawns & pork

My whole body is aching. I have an interview tomorrow and my presentation is blank. HELP! And also, I have no idea what to eat for dinner, since my calories are on the high side for a rest day already.